The JOKE Thread
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Permalink Reply by Olive on -
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Dr Phil:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH :
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN :
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
>MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet e explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra..#@&&^( C ....... reboot .
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!
KEVIN TRUDEAU:
The FDA wants us to believe that the chicken crossed the road.
Folks, this is catagorically not true...as I explain in my book.
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
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![d2avid [ the 2 is silent but im not ]](http://api.ning.com/files/iOzAG1BByEmCj1jIEoEpxBvEt9NzTCxNlb05G5WV0Rs_/IMG_0132.JPG?width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1)
Permalink Reply by d2avid [ the 2 is silent but im not ] on -
chicken walks in2 a tavern hops up on the bar says hey bartender ya got any grapes? bartender says sorry cant help ya. next day chicken comes in hops up on the bar says hey bartender ya got any grapes? bartender says I told you yesterday we dont have any grapes. next day chicken comes in hops up on the bar says hey bartender got any grapes? bartender says I told you yesterday & the day be4 we dont got grapes & if U ask me 1 more time Im gonna nail your feet 2 the counter. next day chicken comes in hops up on the bar says hey bartender got any nails? bartender says nope. well in that case says the chicken got any grapes?
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Permalink Reply by d2avid [ the 2 is silent but im not ] on
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burglar breaks into a house. wakes up the owners.whats your name? he asks the wife. NANCY she replies.my dear sweet mother God bless her was named NANCY so in that case I really cant shoot U without feelin bad about it says the burglar.he then turns 2 the husband & whats your name?he asks.RALPH replies the husband , but everybody just calls me NANCY.
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Permalink Reply by d2avid [ the 2 is silent but im not ] on
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Why r remote locations always so damn far away? asks the famous east indian explorer Bin Dair Dun Dat
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Permalink Reply by d2avid [ the 2 is silent but im not ] on
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Last nite i brot my girlfriend a glass of water & 2 aspirins...she said " what the heck do i want that 4 ? i dont have a headache. " I said " Well thats good...Wanna have sex 2nite?"
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Permalink Reply by Robyn on -
So glad this group was started. What a great idea! Maybe a laugh a day will keep the doctor away!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.She invited him
to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was filled
with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and
he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?"
pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was
walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
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Permalink Reply by d2avid [ the 2 is silent but im not ] on
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...exsneeze me
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Permalink Reply by Robyn on
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Sorry, was that off color? I thought it was funny. That was as close to a dirty joke as I get, I promise.
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Permalink Reply by Robyn on
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Maybe this one's better
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
> everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets
> from
> each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of
> her
> closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her
> about.
>
> For all of these years , he had never thought about the box, but one day
> the
> little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
> recover.
>
> In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
> shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
>
> She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
>
> When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
> totaling $95,000.
>
> He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said,
> "
> my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never
> argue. She
> told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and
> crochet a doll."
>
> The li ttle old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
> precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
> times
> in all those years of living and loving He almost burst with happiness.
>
> "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this
> money?
>
> Where did it come from?"
>
> "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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Permalink Reply by Tim Limbert on -
This is also good, keep up the jokes!
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