Health Related Jokes
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritional ly complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The lady behind him was crying as she laughed.
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Marilyn on
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon
a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat
hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $ 5.00
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference for the politicians?'
The waiter replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all day!'
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Permalink Reply by Pilahawaiian on -
Who da Boss
One day …the parts of the body were
Arguing over who was the most important.
The brain said, it was The Boss because I tell the
Body where to go.
The eyes said, we are The Boss because you could
not see where the go without us.
The legs said, well, we take you where you need to
go, that makes us The Boss.
Then the Asshole spoke up and said, I am The Boss.
All parts of the body laughed until the Asshole closed up, the Brain got Foggy, the eyes blurry, legs wobbly.
After a few days….. they then All said…OK …OK….your
THE BOSS!
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Permalink Reply by Cayce H Cronk on -
HEHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Cayce H Cronk on
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Pila,
too funny!!!!
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Gonna Be A Bear
In this life, I'm a woman. In the next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. when you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're suppose to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that.
When You're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I cold deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear
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This one is about exercising, so I hope y'all don't find me stretching "health related" TOO VERY MUCH here:
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please
give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs,
and he was able to r ow across in about an hour after almost capsizing
once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards upstream, and walked across the bridge.
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